Rock Bottom… that’s what it feels like. slip Slidding aWay. wHat I know for sure is that today I am sad. I wish that I could be happy, but I’m not. and it feels so defeating. I have spent so much time over the past couple of weeks looking back, trying to see where I made the mistakes, took the wrong turns, chosen badly, answered incorrectly, and made the decisions that just weren’t willing to free me from this place. Even when I thought that they would, or could. I was always positive that it was all going to get better. and here I am. there again. back there again.
And it is a gripping feeling. but more so terrifying. Unsure and alone.
In doing so over the past couple of weeks, I allowed myself to go way back, way way back, until I couldn’t go any further. And then I do it again. and I’d stop sooner because I know just where I am going to, all over again and again, and I truly didn’t want that. again. So the question becomes, ‘can we start all over? are we ever forgiven, by self and/or by others? is this all there is, this one lifetime? what EXACTLY do i have to do to change the course of my life? and is there really a truer meaning to this life, my life? is it all for nothing? or something? and then what?’
and then the heartburn sets in. the gripping, terrifying fear
It truly seems that no amount of prayer or hope is ever enough, or right, or real perhaps. In a manner, I am not even sure WHAT is real anymore. And with that, I had this conversation in my thoughts…
I awoke today with wondering if ‘Mindfulness’ and the ‘power of ‘Now’ are benefiting or confusing us. I have had so many talks with so many over the past while and it seems that we are all in the same place. And that place hurts. so very badly. It’s raw and it’s empty. In this moment anyhow.
During my periods of ‘being up,’ happy, confident, and sure, it’s wonderful and magical. until nothing really changes, or not much anyhow. or so it seems. which is how I get back to here again.
I keep waiting for that BIG moment. the one that truly sets me free. that sends me on a continual upwards motion. not perfect. or always right. or good. but not high and low. Balanced. Temperance.
What I’ve learned. On death and dying❤ We are not here for ‘things.’ And the world has built huge walls, beautiful castles, and incredible monuments depicting the greatness of these ‘things.’ We surround ourselves with things, many wants, needs, & envy, based on what, and all for what, in the end.
But it does seem that society pushes towards and encourages this. It provides the benefits of the riches. The more that we have, the less that the mistakes matter, on judgement. What he did was okay, because he has lots, so it must mean that he has done more good than bad. We have built a society that slides on this deserving scale. I believe that the tone of this conversation comes from with the bounds of the work ‘Karma.’ And with that, those who have ‘less’ (of anything defined by the word Abundance) feel that they are undeserving because they have ‘done’ something wrong or committed a heinous act of great proportions, and then strive daily to figure out what exactly this is or was. And cannot, I just don’t feel that it really exists… but yet it becomes trapped, as a tale within the confines of our minds reinforced continually by our experiences.
But for me, any way that i look at it, these things that we accumulate are not even close to being as important or more precious than relationships❤ who we loved & how we loved, should be the cloak in which we adorn. But. And. I continue to ask,
❤What would love do?
And then a message touched me today from the Red-faced Muscovy Duck♡ Perhaps I was guided due to the roller coaster of emotions that I am on.
… She touches us with her lessons in emotional comfort & protection… all the while experiencing new growth, awareness & wisdom♡ With Divine Feminine energy, she represents the astral plane; a plane of existence embraced by specialized knowledge, religion & philosophies; ones that may be known & accepted by only a few.
She is most often associated with the human emotional state; showing to me that it is within myself; that I do have the ability to glide across the water with grace, and to keep this grace, finding the peacefulness and arriving at a calm disposition. Love.
Yet allowing myself, at any given moment able to gather my defenses in honest & truthful awareness… and to afterwards return quickly back to my original, natural state of serenity & love. This beautiful bird teaches how to handle each emotion with a greater grace and comfort; to always experience, allow, release & be, reminding mean that I have the ability to swim through the various waters of life that are encounter on a day to day basis. A reminder to not get tangled up in the debris that I sometimes feel floating all around.
For this, I must be willing to explore how I feel, and why I feel as I do… outside of the ego. The goal to experience a balance, that being a healthy state of emotion & mind. Balance. To know, to experience, that the dark and the difficult times are needed, Necessary, AS MUCH as the light and the easy times.
This, is new awareness, this new vision, for me. And from this place, perhaps I am able to see that by allowing, by allowing, that I can accept. that by allowing all of life’s colour to penetrate, is the movement onward and through. by allowing, we then become integrated and alive.
And it is upwards. and onward. once again. that i will go from here. with much love in my heart. and a smile on my face. that is just who i am.
Let Love Be Your Guide 